Brandon Read online

  “Come on Livie I’ll get you home.” Jesse says. I look at him in confusion. How will he get back here? Walk? No I couldn’t do that to him. Shaking my head I tell him so. “No it’s okay Jesse I can get myself there.” I say in a firm voice.

  I want to pat myself on the back. My voice didn’t crack. I wanted nothing more then to wail like a baby. I hated myself for it. He doesn’t want you Livie. He wants Ella. Can you really settle for that? For a man who wants another? NO!

  I deserve better then that. Will I ever stop loving him? I’m not sure I can move on from here. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good. No I can’t leave the twins. Plus Ella and Tessa are my only friends. I look at my tummy and our baby needs to be near his or her dad. Even if they never know who he is.

  The very thought of our child not having a father makes my lungs feel full of lead. It becomes difficult to breath. Can I subject our child to that? When there’s a very slim chance he may want to be involved. Can I live with the what ifs?

  No I can’t. I need to tell him. Give him the chance to choose. I snort. Like he would want a child with someone other than his precious Ella. Another stab to the heart. Maybe one day my heart will scar over and get hard. One can only hope.

  I sigh and start my car. I feel a longing for all I’m missing. Seems to be the story of my new life. Wishing and wanting for something out of reach. I hate him. He did this to me. Made me want him flaws and all. Then slaps me in the face with his desire for another.

  Okay not really all his fault. He didn’t go out of his way to make me want him. No that was my own stupid self. Looking at my hands sadness engulfs me. I did this to myself. His effort was minimal. Backing out I head in the direction of home.

  A tiny little efficiency. Perfect for me and I loved it. I will need to find a bigger place soon. The baby will need his or her own room. Well maybe not need. But I wanted to have a nursery. If I can’t give the baby a dad the least I could do was give it a room.

  Soon I will know what the baby is. I can’t wait. Girl or boy they will never know what it was like to be unloved. I would make damn sure. Walking into my little haven I throw my keys onto the little table by the door. My bed was calling me. I needed a good cry.

  I think I earned it after everything. Throwing myself onto the bed just as the first tear fell. Not bothering to wipe it away I let them fall. I hate that man yet I love that man. Is that even possible to love and hate at the same time?

  I wish I could call my mom and dad. Even my sister. That’s impossible they died five years ago in a car accident leaving only me. In this moment I have never felt more alone in the world. The man I love doesn’t even see me. My family is gone all I really have is this little peanut.

  I look down at said peanut. Well the best I could considering peanut was hiding in my tummy. Sure I have a few friends all of them from the club. Jesse, Tessa, and Ella. Maybe Axel and Jace but Brandon no not at all.

  He’s the one I need right now. If I held my breath waiting I would die of suffocation. Waiting around for him is a pipe dream one I need to get over right fucking now. I let another tear fall. With a deep breath I go on the hunt for food.

  Seems that’s always on my mind. Food that is. Food and Brandon. I snarl when Brandon pops into my head. I need to get over this. Get over him. Maybe I will take Ella up on that date. Not that I plan on seeing the guy but a date might be just what I needed.

  After a big snack I’ll give her a call and let her know. It was time to move on from all this. Come to terms with the facts once and far all. Brandon was never going to want me like I wanted him. He was always going to pinning after another woman. One he will never have.

  I deserve better. I deserve a better future than the one I wanted so to speak. Routeing around in the kitchen I gather up all I need for pork chops and pineapple fried rice. My tummy rumbles in approval. Best stuff going right now.

  Setting about making it helps take my mind off Brandon. Maybe not all off him but it helps. After what feels like eternity my food was piping hot and ready to be devoured. I was more than happy to comply.

  Sitting down at the table I think back to the weeks after my night with Brandon. I had watched him for what felt like forever. The night I shared with him was amazing almost all I wanted. I would have preferred he took me while facing me though.

  It was the best night of my life up until he called me Ella. I watched him go through whore after whore after that night. Drinking had become my new past time. I had moments where I just wanted to go up to Tessa and Ella and spew every dirty horrible shameful heartbreaking detail about that night.

  But I couldn’t it was my shame to bare. I wasn’t much of a drinker until Brandon corrupted me. After that the bottle seemed glued to my hand. After a while I had forgone wine glasses and just started drinking from the bottle.

  The night I found out I was pregnant had changed everything at first I thought he gave me a different kind of present. The present in the STD variety. But no he gave me a baby. A fucking baby with a man who shoves his dick into everything that moves with the right equipment.

  Well, all the moving woman he can get to. I think he may have slept with half the woman in America no joke. Myself included. I hated him. I hated that I loved him. I hated myself for loving him. With every stab to the heart I feel like I’m bleeding internally.

  Sometimes I want to rip my short red hair out while crossing my green eyes. At one point I wanted to be her. Be Ella. I wanted Brandon to look at me like he does her. But I realized I couldn’t be me if I was her and there was no one better at being me than me.

  Looking at my plate I realized I had scrapped it clean. What was I going to do? So many depressing thoughts. It hits me. I have an appointment in a few days. The doctor said we may be able to find out the baby’s gender. The new ultra sound machine can pick it up sometimes as early as twelve weeks.

  Excitement whirled around in side me. I needed this pick me up. I still needed to call Ella and ask her about that date. Maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow and just pop over and ask her. We could still do some baby shopping and I can do some covert baby shopping.

  Smiling to myself I walk over to the claw foot bathtub and turn the water on. A hot bath and a good book boyfriend is just what I need. Book boyfriends are the only men in your life who won’t stomp on your heart and leave a trail of your blood in their wake.

  It also a place where your dreams can be released. A place you can pretend you can have that kind of love. The kind of impossible, soul consuming, heart rate skipping, temperature rising love. Then there is the chocolate kind of love. I have both those kinds of love for Brandon and neither is good for me.

  Wrapping my hair up into a clip I step into the tub and sink down. Oh yeah that’s what I needed. Looking at the stool next to the tub I grab my book. Settling in I open up a new world. A world with no Brandon.

  I hear a ding and look at the stool again. I have no idea how long I have been in the tub at this point the water has cooled slightly. The book had sucked me. Reaching for my phone reluctantly. I wasn’t real sure if I wanted to look at it.

  There was a message from Ella. I frown down at it as I read it. She talked to Dan the guy she was talking about earlier. I had a date in two nights. I needed to be at the club house and Dan would be pick me up there.

  This is what I wanted wasn’t it? I don’t really have the answer for that. And that was a scary notion. I decide to hang out here at the house for the next two days. I text Tessa and let her know I won’t be in to work with the twins for a few days.

  Maybe after I see the doctor I will head right over to the club house and tell the girls about the baby. I didn’t want to be alone in this anymore. Looking down at peanut I climb out of the fast cooling water and dry off. I think my couch and I have a date for the next two days.

  Chapter 4

  Brandon

  It’s been two days since she walked through that door and for some fucked up reason it bothers me. Is she okay? Was she still sick? Did she meet up with that prick Tessa and Ella were pushing on her? What the fuck is wrong with me?

  I can’t seem to keep her from my thoughts. Where there use to be only Ella there is now Livie pushing her way in. At one time that would have bothered me more than it does now. Right now I can’t seemed to be bothered by the why it’s more the who.

  Is she out with him? I look at the girls Tessa and Ella both sitting at the table eating a snack. Chatting and laughing. “Where’s Livie?” I ask them. The words pop out before I can stop them. They both look at me in surprise.

  “Getting ready” Tessa smile was big.

  The kind of smile she had was down right scary. Tessa was one of those people who you couldn’t tell if they were joking with you or plotting your death. Ella is just staring at me.

  I feel slightly uncomfortable when she smiles at me. It was a ‘I know what your problem is’ smile.

  “Yeah she has a hot date tonight.” Ella calls out to me. My fist clench in anger. She had a date? Yeah a date with a dead man.

  I was going to fucking kill him. Grabbing my beer I chug it. Blonde it number three came over. I can’t keep track of their names and I didn’t care to know them. So I call them it one, two, three, four and so on. I grab her arm and drag her to my room.

  She was like an eager puppy all smiles and giggles. I needed to fuck this anger out of my system. The moment the door closes I turn her to face the wall. No kissing caressing or any other bullshit. I unbuckle my belt and undo my pants.

  Lifting her skirt I tear her panties off and slam my cock home. I pound into her mercilessly her screams and moans of pleasure bounce off the walls around us. I don’t want to hear her voice. Slipping my hand over her mouth I cover it.

  I pound her for what feel
s like hours. My anger it seemed was never ending. When I thought it was good I would see her with that faceless man and anger would consume me again. Livie was like an infestation. She invaded my mind and wouldn’t leave.

  A small part of me was fucking loving her being there. Sinking her claws in. She was pushing Ella out little by little. I snarl in frustration and anger. I can’t fucking shake her. Wrapping my hands up in the blondes hair I make a fist and slam into her harder.

  Closing my eyes Livie’s face floats in front of me. Livie with her beautiful red hair and stunning green eyes. Her heart shaped face and fuckable lips. Just like that I blow my load with a force borderline painful.

  Pulling out I remove the condom and stumble into the bathroom. “Thanks now get out.” I say over my shoulder. Not even bothering to look at her. She wasn’t worth the effort. Yeah I’m an asshole yet they keep coming back for more.

  I fucking hate that I can’t get her out of my head. Livie was like an incurable disease once she got you there was no cure. I have been damn fucking good at avoiding anything resembling a disease.

  Then she walks into the club house and just like that it was over. I couldn’t stop tracking her with my eyes, couldn’t stop looking for her, wanting her. She would walk into a room and I would go from half mast to full fledged hard on in seconds.

  I thought of making a move every once and a while. Then one day she about ripped my fucking head off. Since then she has glared and snarled at me. Her hatred poured off her in waves. The exception was a few looks I caught her sending my way. Longing and sadness. I still haven’t figured out what the fuck happened.

  I felt a little prick of pain in my chest. What the fuck was that? I’ve never felt anything like it. I tasted a slight hint of regret. Sighing I wash my face and hands. I thought about taking a shower but decided against it. Shrugging I walk back out to the main room and to my favorite spot the bar.

  Chapter 5

  Livie

  Laying on this table with my tummy exposed. Cold gel smeared all over it I stare in rampant fascination at the images all over the screen. Every movement has tears springing to my eyes. That was my baby in there waving and kicking.

  “Ready to see if the baby wants to share his or her secrets?” The doctors asks. I smile and nod like a bobble head words have failed me. A little pressure and a jiggle from the wand has the baby moving. Then she points at it.

  The empty place telling me its a girl not a boy. I feel the tears well over and spill down my cheeks. A girl. I’m having a baby girl. My heart swells in happiness. I was going to be a mom to a beautiful baby girl.

  I watch the screen in wonder as she goes over everything. Measuring her head, heart, feet everything. She prints out a bunch of grainy black and white pictures. I stare at them as she gathers her stuff up and leaves the room.

  I’m sure she was talking to me but I couldn’t draw my attention from my baby to listen to whatever she was going on about. She printed a few duplicates and I realize it was done so I can give them to the father.

  My heart constricts painfully. I needed to tell him but I really didn’t want to. What if he doesn’t want her? What if he does? Could I share her with him and his revolving door of woman? Looking at the photos I feel my heart swell in both happiness and sadness he deserved to know. My baby deserved the chance to have her father.

  Climbing off the table I gather up my clothes making sure to clean all the gel off my tummy. I slowly dress as if taking my time will make it so I don’t have to tell him. Maybe I could just stay here and not leave.

  I laugh at my silliness. That is not going to happen and nothing will change the fact I need to go hunt his ass down and pull him away from whatever moving dick placement he was attached to and tell him about our daughter.

  Sighing I make the adult decision to rush right over there. Before my childishness had me running the other way. Getting into my car I place the pictures of my future in the passenger seat and start the car.

  I head in the direction of the club house when all I want to do is run home and hide for the rest of my life. I have a date picking me up there in a few hours and I needed to confront my baby daddy. Something I never thought I would say to myself.

  I feel like a Jerry Springer reject. Laughing as I pull into the parking lot of the club house I swallow hard. You can do this. You only hate him a little. You may wish you hated him fully but you can’t. I think it would be a lot easier if I did hate him fully.

  Putting the car in park I climb out and force my feet to move. Clutching the pictures gently to my chest as I walk across the parking lot. I look down at my jean skirt the fell two inches above my knees and my black, off the shoulder, top.

  My cowboy boots echo off the floors as I make my way inside. Brandon is sitting at the bar as usual. Ella and Tessa are sitting at a table eating a snack and waving like loons at me. I give them a small smile as I walk over to Brandon.

  I needed to do this and they were all going to find out my big secret. My shame and my joy. Brandon was sitting there nursing a beer I got about four feet away when this scantly clad blonde climbs into his lap.

  My shame and my joy. Brandon was sitting there nursing a beer I got about four feet away when this scantly clad blonde climbs into his lap.

  I snarl and stomp my foot in both anger and disgust. I fucking hated him. Any mushy feelings I was feeling a few moments ago just got swallowed up by my anger for him. Do I let this stop me? Fuck no. I was going to tell him now just like I planned.

  Stomping over there I glare at the nasty horny woman sucking Brandon’s life force out of him. I mean that’s what she has to be doing. The sucking noises she was putting out sounded oddly like a clogged vacuum.

  I will laugh about this later I really will. This whole thing will be burned into my brain until the end of time. Standing next to him I tap him on the shoulder. While he pries his face from the octopus, broken vacuum, STD, carrying woman I rip a photo from my collection.

  He turns and looks at me. Reeking of beer and sex I wrinkle my nose in disgust. I feel a scream rising from the pit of my stomach and I fight it back. “Yeah?” he asks in annoyance. He’s annoyed? He’s fucking annoyed? How fucking dare he.

  Getting in his face I snarl. “I fucking hate you. I hate you for being a whore. I hate you for being an asshole. I fucking hate you for wanting her and not me. I hate you for making me care...” pausing I take deep breaths.

  All that shouting has me slightly winded. My chest hurts as it constricts painfully. I wish I could say that was due to the shouting as well but it wasn’t. I should have stopped there but I couldn’t I was on a roll.

  “I let you use me. I let you take me into that room. That very same room you take all your girls. I gave you something I can never get back. I let you touch me when I had never let anyone else touch me. You were the first man I ever let get that close to me and you treated me like a used up whore.” I laugh bitterly.

  Why can’t I stop. I never wanted this to be heard. I fight to swallow the words but they win and keep spewing from my mouth, from my very soul. “You took me from behind. You couldn’t even be bothered to look at me. All because I wasn’t your precious Ella.” I spit at him.

  “I guess I should be thanking you for more than one reason. So let me thank gods gift to woman. Thank you for taking me to your bed even though I’m not blonde. I mean you did me a favor right.”

  “Thank you for showing me how men really want to see their woman. From the back of their heads as they fuck them from behind. I wasn’t good enough to see your face. Now I know what men want and I don’t need to work for it anymore right.”

  “Thank you for not loving me after no kind words, no cuddles, no I got a thanks and a get out.” I sob a little and that only fuels my anger more. “Thanks for stabbing that stupid thing I call a heart. I now know love is for the special and not all will get it.”

  “And thanks for the best gift of all. I would say an std because that’s what I had feared. But no Brandon you gave me something incredible. Now I never need a man in my life you showed me their ways and made it so I never need to seek one out.”