Losing Crow (The Bloody Saints MC Book 1) Read online

  “I tried to tell you, even after her,” I snarl at him.

  “I have a son? And you kept him from me?” he shouts.

  I love how he glosses over her. Like he chooses not to hear me. His eyes are dark and are filled with anger. It all sets me on edge making me lash back at him.

  “I fucking came here and to the other clubhouse looking for you. I was told they didn’t know you!” I shout back.

  The memories were haunting me, hurting me, and making me angrier. Crow made me love him then he tore my fucking heart out and stomped on it until it was nothing but mush on the ground. Like baby food smeared all over the concrete sidewalk.

  The memories bring me back to the moment that I showed him how much I loved him. It was the day I was sure Shawn was conceived. The day I thought our future was forever intertwined. It still was but not in the way I thought it would be.

  Two Years Ago

  I’ve been seeing Crow more and more over the last week and, somehow, someway he burrowed into my chest and had stolen my heart.

  Crow’s eyes kept straying from the road to take in my bare legs and tight jean skirt. He had my blood rushing faster, heating me to the point I was sure I could heat the truck with my body heat alone.

  My underwear dampened to the point they were sticking to me. I wanted this man like I wanted my next breath. Sunlight caressed my skin as we drove to the park. It was a cliff overlooking the city. At this time of day, it would be more than likely deserted.

  How was I going to keep myself from throwing all caution to the wind and climbing him like a monkey after its last banana?

  His eyes once again looked at my thighs, and his hand tightened on the steering wheel so hard, I feared it might bend under pressure.

  There was this insistent throbbing, and I tried so hard to alleviate it by pressing my thighs closer together. I needed Crow so bad. A small amount of fear started to rear its head. I knew it was going to hurt the first time and for so long I pictured losing my virginity in some hotel with roses and candles. Cliché, I know.

  I could see the trees parting as we drove further down the dirt road. I was leading us to the spot we had planned for our picnic. Looking at Crow, you would never in a hundred years think he was some romantic. But this little outing was proof of that.

  I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice we had parked. Crow had made no move to get out of the car, and confusion had me looking at him. It looked like he was trying to calm down.

  Did he feel like I did? This need to straddle him? To feel him deep inside me where no one had ever been before?

  “Don’t look at me like that, baby,” Crow tells me, his voice was low and filled with heat.

  I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Was I giving him a funny look? Like a silly face or something? Oh, god, did he know I wanted to unzip his dark jeans to see what’s hidden behind them?

  The thought made me blush. What was wrong with me? I never thought about these things before.

  “I don’t understand,” I tell him truthfully, secretly hoping he would do what I wanted and pull me to him.

  “Like you want me to fuck you,” Crow growled.

  I pressed my thighs harder together and closed my eyes. This need was getting to be too much. More wetness seeped onto my panties making them uncomfortable. I wanted to take them off, maybe when Crow got out I could?

  “Fuck!” he groaned.

  Before I could think of something to say, or ask if he was alright, he had me in his lap with one leg over each of his thighs. My pussy then pressed firmly into his hard cock.

  The pressure had this tingle shooting through me, and I shifted. Oh, that felt good. So, I did it again. This time applying more pressure and settling myself more firmly against Crow.

  His lips pressed into my neck, and I shivered at the contact. It only added to the need that seemed to be boiling in my blood.

  “If you don’t stop this baby, I’m going to pull those panties aside and shove my dick so far into that tight pussy of yours. You will soon feel me in your throat.

  The thought of Crow inside me had a moan slip past my parted lips. I shifted again rubbing myself against him and grinding down hard.

  I felt his hand on my thighs spreading them further apart, forcing me to sink harder into his lap. My head fell back as his fingers press against my clit.

  Another moan tore from my lips, and I cried out in surprise as Crow’s long thick digits sunk deep inside me. It was tight, and the stretching hurt.

  I wanted to tell Crow that it wasn’t going to work when he once again touched my clit. Oh my god, that felt SOOO fucking good.

  I let my head fall back again as my hips jerked. I wanted him deeper, I wanted more. I cried out at the loss of his fingers as they slowly left my body only to drive back in.

  “Oh god,” I screamed.

  My hips rotated, and I pushed down further on Crow’s fingers. I’ve never felt anything like this.

  “That’s it, baby, ride my fingers like you will be riding my cock in a few minutes,” he groaned in my ear, “So fucking tight.”

  My nails sunk into his leather cut as he started to push into me faster. It wasn’t enough, I needed more.

  “Please,” I cried.

  “I’ve got you, sweetheart,” Crow told me, his voice husky.

  But he didn’t, not really. I wanted to shout as those fingers left my body, completely leaving me empty. Then, his fingers were back pulling my underwear aside.

  My pussy clenched on nothing, begging for the feeling he was just giving me. Begging to find whatever I had been rushing towards with each thrust of those hard fingers.

  Something soft rubbed against my throbbing clit and pleasure coursed through me. That felt, oh god, that felt so fucking good.

  My hips rocked forward on its own, and then Crow was filling me. He pulled me down hard onto his cock, splitting me open.

  “Oh, fuck, baby,” he moaned.

  Tears filled my eyes as pain washed over me. It hurt. I put my hands on his shoulders, and I tried to pull myself off him and get him out of me. This was more painful than I thought, and I wanted him out of me, now.

  Crow’s fingers tightened on my hips as he held me, forcing me to stay still and take all of him in my body.

  “Shh, sweetheart. It will only hurt for a minute,” he promised.

  It felt like hours, not minutes. It burned and stung again, and I was too tired to lift myself off Crow. Then, he let me up, but he stopped me before he fully left my body. That’s when he pulled me back down again. One of his hands left my hip and pressed against my clit grinding and rubbing it.

  Again, Crow allowed me to rise above him before pulling me back down with one hand still holding my hip. The pain started to dull, and soon I was moaning. My head was thrown back as he placed his hand back on my hips, lifted me and pulling me back down harder and harder. Then faster and faster. Hitting something deep inside of me.

  My stomach tightened as the pleasure increased to the point it was almost painful. My hips lowered to meet Crow’s, and I thrust down as Crow thrust up into my body. Both of us moaned and strained to get to that place I’ve never been.

  “So, fucking tight,” Crow groaned.

  Releasing my hips he tugged on my shirt, lifting it as he pulled it from my body tossing it somewhere. I honestly didn’t care where it landed, As long as he kept thrusting into my body and his hard cock was deep inside of me.

  I felt wet heat surround my beaded nipple and then this sucking sensation. It was like a bomb went off inside of me. I exploded, and wetness coated my thighs.

  Crow’s hands latched onto my hips forcing me down onto his cock hard. He kept pounding into me harder and faster, dragging out my orgasm and pulling me into another.

  “Oh, fuck!” he shouted as he pulled me back down onto him, holding my hips firm to him. Heat filled my pussy as he groaned long and loud against my breast.

  I laid my head on Crow’s shoulder and fought the n
eed to tell him those three little words. They wanted to rush out of my mouth, but I swallowed them back. It was crazy to feel this way so soon.

  Reality came crashing down as Crow’s fist slams into the wall. Anger and something I can’t decipher shadow his eyes.

  I am ashamed to say my nipples are like little pebbles. The memory was so real, it felt like I was reliving it. Like we were back in that truck and back at a time where all was perfect.

  Chapter 12

  Crow

  Present Day.

  Her eyes flash with anger and hate towards me. Like I was the one in the wrong like I was the one who fucking ran off and kept my son from her.

  I can see she is thinking of something; her eyes are melting and her cheeks flushing. My dick jerks in my jeans, and I fucking hate that she has this hold on me.

  My fist hits the wall crushing the drywall under the force, and my hand disappears into the hole I made. I want to tell her to get the fuck out. That whatever shit she has gotten into, she is on her own. Just give me our son, and I will keep him safe.

  But the words won’t come. The thought of what the Albanians are going to do to her rips me open even more than the fact she kept something so important from me. I never thought she had this kind of spitefulness in her, but I am wrong.

  “You fucking left me, remember?” I snarl the question at her.

  “I’m very fucking aware that I was the one who left,” she snaps back.

  “Why the fuck did you leave me?” I couldn’t help but ask her. I shouldn’t care what she has to say, but I do, god fucking help me I do.

  “You know why I left, Crow,” she said it quietly, the anger has left her voice, turning it to this low, sad tone.

  “I wouldn’t ask you if I fucking knew the answer to that, Maria,” I’m still lashing out, my anger and bitterness seep from me like a disease.

  “I thought it was going to be forever Crow. That you were it for me,” she sighs walking to the chair and sinks down. She is looking defeated.

  Pleasure should be what I feel when I look at her, but instead, I feel this gut-wrenching pain. It hurts to see her like this, and that has some of my anger returning.

  Circling around the desk, I stare into her eyes. The tears brimming are like a slap to the face. Fuck her pain. She tore my fucking heart out and kept my kid from me.

  “What the fuck happened then, huh?” I ask her coldly.

  “What ended it? What had me running from you?” she asks the questions, but her tone said she isn’t looking for a response.

  She looks like she is remembering it and lost in her thoughts. I don’t think she is going to tell me, but she does, and my gut sinks with every word.

  Chapter 13

  Maria

  Two Years ago.

  There was this happiness that I felt, and I couldn’t contain it. Three weeks with Crow and everything was absolutely perfect. I had been feeling under the weather lately. This stomach bug didn’t want to be shaken.

  I walked to the pharmacy a block away. It seemed like a good idea. I could have driven, but I was hoping the fresh air would help, maybe in some small way.

  Crow wanted to come over and watch movies with me. To take care of me, but I had laughed and told him I didn’t want him to catch what I had. I told him that I would be fine. I was going to be spending most of my time sleeping anyway as I was tired as fuck lately.

  Being sick seemed to zap the life from you. I knew sleep was one of the best remedies. As I walked, the wind caressed my face blowing hair behind me. I smiled at the thought. The feeling of it hitting my body gently after being holed up in my apartment for the last two days was amazing.

  I rounded the corner, and my eyes were drawn to the bike I could see three buildings away. I knew that bike, just like I knew the man leaning against it.

  I didn’t know the redhead standing between his spread feet. Yes, there was some distance between them. She wasn’t exactly close enough to be completely touching, but the fact she was between his legs spoke volumes.

  It was intimate no matter how I tried to rationalize the view. There was no way to make what I was seeing say anything but intimacy. They knew each other well, I could see it in the way she laughed, and he reached out to put her hair behind her ear.

  The smile on his face had the tears that were in my eyes, spill over. I felt the world crashing down on me. I never thought I would see this. Never thought I was going to do what I did next.

  I turned from them. After watching Crow with the girl for what felt like forever. I walked back to my apartment. I didn’t think as I grabbed the bag from under my bed.

  I was leaving this place and leaving him behind. It was time to move on. I knew if I didn’t, I would try to forget what I had seen with my very own eyes. I would try to move forward with Crow like she never existed. I loved him that much and love made you blind. It made you want to forgive and forget.

  I wasn’t the woman to do that. I deserved better than a cheater. I deserved better then what he was doing to me. A small part of me asked if moving and starting over was a little bit irrational?

  Maybe it was, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t like this place held any real meaning. There was no one here I would miss. I haven’t been here long enough to make any attachments.

  If not for the life insurance policy my parents left my sister and me, this move wouldn’t have been possible. More sadness weighed me down.

  Julie had fallen to pieces after we lost them. I had tried to bring her back to the land of the living, but she started to self-medicate with illegal drugs. There was no bringing her back. But I haven’t given up not once, and I wouldn’t.

  Looking around the little place that I called home, I sighed. I have been moving from one place to another. I always stayed close to my sister, maybe a few cities away.

  I will have the movers come tomorrow, they were always prompt. Pulling out my phone, I made the call. I needed to get out of here before he came back looking for me.

  Once all my clothes were packed, I walked to the door opening and closing it without once looking back. I was going to find a hotel, but first I will find a storage place for the rest of my stuff. All of it was replaceable.

  I packed what I wanted in the few bags I had. The photos of my family and the small mementos were all I carried with me.

  I still had all of our stuff. The house we lived in was like a museum, a memorial to them. Everything was still in the same place it was when we left. I haven’t had the heart to pack it up or sell the place.

  Tossing my bags in the back seat, I climbed into the driver’s seat and started my car. The radio was off, and the silence cut me.

  I was leaving again, but this time I was leaving with another loss etched into my soul. Another crack in my heart.

  I thought we were made for each other. That we were meant to be. Soulmates. Another tear fell from my burning eyes.

  It was time to start another chapter in my life. A chapter without him. Without everything, I thought I had found.

  Present Day

  “I foolishly thought I made a clean break. I found out about Shawn about three weeks later. I had sunk into a depression and thought the sickness was from the memories of you and her. Basically, the loss of what I thought we had kept me in this deep hole,” sighing I look at Crow, “I came looking for you. I tried both Bloody Saints clubhouses, and no one would tell me where you were. Hell, one of them told me they didn’t even know who you were. That no one by that name was a member.”

  His eyes were hard, not once softening. I had just gutted myself again. Living the second worst moment in my life and he didn’t even show a sign he cared.

  “What would you have had me do? I didn’t even know where you lived!” I shout.

  My anger at him is making me lash out. I fucking hate him. I hate him for making me love him, for making me believe I had finally found a home again only to rip it out from under me.

  “Who?” he demands.

  “Who
what?” I ask him in confusion.

  “Who told you I wasn’t a member?” he demands coldly.

  “I don’t fucking know. It’s not like I asked for his damn name!” I snap.

  Out of all of this, he only wants to know who the fuck sent me packing a second time? Seriously?

  “Is that all you have to fucking say?” I ask him, my tone turning frosty.

  “I have no fucking clue what the fuck you are talking about. Honestly one minute you were here the next you were gone. I spent a whole fucking year looking for you!” Crow growls.

  “I didn’t imagine the redhead, Crow,” I growl back.

  He sits there staring at me. Like he’s trying to pull back the layers to see all my secrets. I could also see him trying to place what I told him. My fist clench, was there that many fucking redheads in his life that he couldn’t remember one goddamn moment?

  “Larissa,” he sighs.

  So, she had a name, other than a man stealing whore. Huh, who knew?

  “She was a friend,” he tells me.

  “A friend you fucked, I’m not stupid, Crow,” I tell him coldly.

  “I wasn’t a fucking choir boy, Maria, so, yes, I fucked her more than once. Is that what you want to hear?” His tone is frigid.

  I can’t look him in the eye as his words lash at me. It tears a piece of something deep inside of me. I hate he still has the power to hurt me.

  “My question is why the fuck didn’t you say something? Instead, you ran, why?” Those aren’t real questions, they are demands.

  My eyes stayed locked on the floor. It was a question even Ronnie had asked me more than once. Why didn’t I get up in his face and demand a fucking answer for what I was witnessing? Sometimes I even asked myself that. It’s not like I was shy when it came to confrontations.

  “Where are they?” he asks, changing tactics.

  “Are you going to help us?” I ask him, instead of answering.