Losing Crow (The Bloody Saints MC Book 1) Read online

  “I will, but you will owe me,” he tells me coldly.

  “Owe you what?” I ask him. I will not blindly agree to something that could potentially take me from our son.

  “Something of my choosing,” he shrugs.

  “It can’t involve Shawn,” I tell him.

  “No, it will be something from you and only you,” he replies.

  For a moment I thought about walking away. But I ran out of options days ago. Nodding, I keep my eyes on the floor. What’s going to happen now?

  “Where are they, Maria?” He demands gently.

  “Outside,” I whisper.

  “Go get them,” he tells me firmly.

  “No, not with that shit going on out there. Shawn doesn’t need to see that,” the fight in me returns.

  “I’ll get it fucking cleaned up. Go get my son,” he growls.

  Standing I turn away, but before I make it to the door, I answer his question. The same question I have refused to answer even to myself.

  “I was afraid that it had all been a lie. That you would want the redhead more than me, that I wasn’t enough,” I tell Crow as I pull open the door.

  He doesn’t say anything, and I keep walking. They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes it only takes you deeper into hell.

  Chapter 14

  Crow

  Present Day.

  I watch as the door closes quietly behind Maria. Her words swirl around me. Fuck! This is a fucking nightmare. Albanians, my son, her friend, and Maria.

  I pull my phone from my pocket and quickly text Gage. My grip on the phone is tight, and I can hear it creak under pressure.

  Me: Follow her.

  Gage: The chick from earlier?

  Me: Yes. Follow her. Don’t let her the fuck out of your sight.

  I had no fucking clue what I wanted from her. Anger and hatred are the only things that I can feel. Maria kept my fucking son from me. She left me and didn’t look back.

  My fists clench in anger at the thought of what was coming. I need to stop the fucking party out there and have a meeting with my brothers about what was coming.

  I slam my hands on the desk and swipe its contents onto the floor. I resist the urge to throw my chair through the wall. Instead, I walk to the door and open it.

  Music, grunts, groans and other shit tell me exactly what the fuck is happening out there. The same shit that was happening when I fucking walked back into the office earlier.

  Tracy comes sauntering over running her finger down my chest. Just minutes ago, I was sure that my dick was going to be sinking deep inside of her. Then Maria walked through the door. Fucking blowing up my world all over again.

  “Clean this shit up and take it to the back rooms!” I shout looking to Weston and moving my finger over my throat telling them to cut the fucking music.

  Everyone stops and looks at me. Yeah, this shit is crazy and totally out of character for me. Another rush of anger hits when no one moves.

  “Fucking Move!” I command.

  I watch as my brothers put on their clothes. The bitches just smile and don’t even adjusting a damn thing. My eyes narrow.

  “Put your fucking clothes on or get the fuck out of my club,” I snarl.

  That had them moving. The girls start tugging on shirts and skirts if you could call them that. I pinch the bridge of my nose and apply more and more pressure.

  I grab Tracy’s hand and drag her closer to my chest. Her giggle is husky from all the smoking she does. Just as I lean down to tell her not to go far, the door opens, and Maria walks in.

  Her eyes lock on Tracy and me before she looks towards the floor. Her feet stop moving, and her arms go around her waist. I feel a small amount of pleasure at the thought that I hurt her. It makes me smile, but it is accompanied by an ache in my chest in the same place my heart had died two years ago.

  Another chick comes up from behind her and nudges Maria forward while whispering into her ear. I watch as she turns and pulls my son from the girl’s hip.

  Maria stands sideways and steps forward keeping my son behind them. He has dark hair and tan skin, and it’s the first things I notice.

  “Later,” I tell Tracy and walk towards my son. His big eyes look around the room curiously. The closer I get to him the more I can see his features. His dark green eyes look at me, and something in me twists.

  My son looks like me. Almost an exact replica. His smile lights up his face, and it shows a little dimple on the right side of his cheek.

  I want to pull him into my arms. I want to hug them both. Maria shifts and my eyes go to her. She looks sad, terrified even.

  Actually, she looks gutted and lost, just like I did. I watch as Maria looks over my shoulder and then presses her face into my son’s head.

  I feel a hand caress my shoulder, and I know it is Tracy. It is a sick satisfaction that hits me. Maria is hurting. Then again, my stomach twists knowing that I am hurting her.

  Turning I look at Tracy and tilt my head trying to tell her silently to get the fuck out of here. Her eyes flash at Maria, but then her lips curl into a smile telling me that Maria is once again looking at us.

  Instead of focusing on Maria and our son, I watch Tracy’s hips sway as she leaves. My dick that was once hard for Tracy is now unaffected by the show.

  “I need to clean him up and feed him,” Maria says, her voice barely above a whisper.

  “You can use my room,” I tell her.

  “No,” she replies, her voice cold.

  “What the fuck do you mean no?” I turn back to her.

  “I want my own space, not where you and your girlfriend sleep,” she sighs, her shoulders slumping.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” the chick with her tells Maria.

  I don’t respond. What the fuck is there to say? She ripped my insides out when she left me. She. Left. Me. I should correct her that there has been no girlfriend since her. Only quick fucks.

  But I don’t. I let Maria think what she wants, knowing it was hurting her. I reach for my son and pull him into my arms. Maria releases him without so much as a fight.

  His little arms wrap around me before he tugs on my ear. Giggles erupt from him as he pulls on it. My eyes stay glued to his face, taking in every detail.

  “I’ll have one of the girls make you something to eat,” I tell her.

  “I need to clean him up,” she tells me, her voice devoid of feeling.

  I don’t want to give him back. I want to hold him close to me and hear his laughs and watch his eyes as they take in the world around him. Instead, I release him and signal for them to follow me.

  I was going to put her in the room next to mine. Call it a sick pleasure knowing she is close. She would be able to hear everything I do.

  Another sharp pain pierces my chest. I am an asshole. I should put her further away, at least give her a few walls between us. But the thought of her having more than one wall separating us is more than I can handle.

  I am fucked up.

  Chapter 15

  Maria

  Present Day.

  “What a fucking prick,” Ronnie snarls at the closed door.

  I fight the tears that want to fall from my stinging eyes. The way the woman was draping herself all over Crow and her smile as she looked at me just made me sad. I blink and think that it’s over and has been over for two years. Of course, he will move on.

  “Let it go,” I tell her laying Shawn down on the bed. He needs a diaper change and some food.

  “Did he need to rub that shit in your face?” Ronnie snaps, her cold eyes are still on the door.

  “It’s been two years, Ronnie,” I remind her.

  “Yeah and not once have you looked at another man,” she points out.

  “Crow was and always will be the one for me,” I tell her, my eyes staring at my son.

  “When this shit is over, we need to find you a man,” she says as if I didn’t just say anything.

  “Ronnie…” I start.

&nbs
p; “No, he’s moved on, don’t you see that? It’s time for you to move on as well, Maria. You deserve to be loved,” she points out, her voice becomes gentle at the end.

  “I am loved by this special little boy right here,” I remind her as I press my lips to Shawn’s little belly and blow a raspberry. His feet kick as he laughs.

  “You know what I mean, so don’t play games,” Ronnie sighs.

  “I’m not playing games. It’s been two years, but I left Crow. Yes, it fucking fillets me to see and witness what time has done. But, its over and there is no going back,” I say quietly.

  Life has moved on, and I stay in this bubble that Crow and I have created together. My love for him never falters. I can see now that it was one-sided.

  “I need to feed Shawn, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I tell her as I pick Shawn up off the bed.

  Ronnie opens the door and walks through it. I could see it on her face, she isn’t letting this go. My hands shake slightly as I pulled Shawn into my arms.

  “Just promise me, when this is over, and we leave this place, that you will try to find someone,” I close my eyes and tilt my head back, but I don’t respond.

  There is no one waiting outside the door to show us where the kitchen is. So instead, we retrace our steps back to the room we came from.

  The scent of delicious food pulls me to the left and into an open doorway. Shit! That chick is here, looking as if she is waiting for me.

  Her smile is big, cocky even. I want to look away from her, but instead, I keep my eyes level with hers. I am not backing down.

  Sure, I am running for my life, but those fuckers are terrifying. This bitch, she has nothing on the people I’ve have had to go toe to toe with to save my sister.

  “Cute kid,” she says, her voice holds nothing of the sweetness that normally accompanies those words.

  “Stay the fuck away from him,” the voice is cold and dark, and it makes me love my best friend even more.

  “Look, I just want to feed my son,” I try to be diplomatic.

  “Crow’s mine now. You may have his son, but I’ll be having all of his future children,” she tells me, her tone cold.

  My kid is going to be swearing soon if people keep this shit up. Not that I’m any better, but still.

  “I don’t want to cause any trouble. I just want to get something for my kid to eat,” I tell her again, trying to keep calm.

  “I want you gone, bitch,” she snarls at me.

  I smile, and it stretches across my face. I watch as the bitch looks at me with confusion in her eyes. Shit, I would be confused as well if I was basically trying to bully someone, but instead of leaving, they smile.

  Ronnie laughs, “Shit, just got real.”

  This chick may have Crow now, and she may run the fucking show. But no one stops me from taking care of my kid. No. One.

  “I’m going to give you two minutes to get the fuck out of my way,” I tell her calmly.

  She looks at me like I grew another head. Her eyes dart back and forth between me and Ronnie who is still holding my son.

  “You can’t tell me what the fuck to do!” she shouts.

  “One minute,” I tell her.

  “If I were you, I would go now,” Ronnie says, with glee in her voice.

  “You think you can take me?” she snarls at me.

  My smile grows wider when her time is up. I don’t warn her again, I don’t even say a fucking word. I just take a little step closer. I have had it with this bullshit.

  It feels like life just keeps kicking me in the lady balls over and over. I am so damn tired of this shit.

  My hand shoots out and tangles into her hair. I don’t even pause for a dramatic effect. I don’t give her a chance to claw at my hand. Nope! I lift my knee and bounce her fucking face off it. I let her go the moment her head whips back from the force. When she crumples to the floor holding her nose, I step over her.

  Shawn giggles as the bitch on the floor starts crying. I turn and look at Ronnie. She is tickling his sides. She is also watching the girl on the floor with utter fascination.

  “I love you. If we did swing the other way, I would so marry you,” she tells me.

  I laugh as I grab a paper plate and start tearing up some pancakes for Shawn. The girl is still crying telling me I broke her nose. She continues to talk asking how I am going to pay for this and blah blah blah. I don’t give a fucking shit, I warned her ass to get the fuck out of my way.

  Chapter 16

  Maria

  Present Day.

  Crow is standing on the other side of my bedroom door. His eyes are dark as he looks down at me. Anger radiates off of him in waves.

  I sigh and look up at him. He must be here about his girlfriend. I try to convey with my eyes that I want him to get whatever the fuck he wants to say out and then go the fuck away.

  “What the fuck happened?” he growls.

  I sigh and give a shrug. I don’t really need to tell Crow, I’m sure he already knows.

  “Tracy’s nose is fucking broken,” he tells me, his eyes roam over my face.

  What is he looking for? Proof that we got into some girl fight? Yeah, it was a big fight. Her face hit my knee and then she fell on the floor. That was one hell of a vicious catfight. I want to laugh at the thought.

  “Should have sold tickets,” I grumble.

  Yeah, but then she would have had to do something other than cry and bleed all over the place.

  “Honestly, Crow it’s none of your business,” I tell him quietly because it is the truth. It’s a fight between two women. Period.

  Sighing, he runs his hand over his head. It as a sign that he’s frustrated. And I almost smile. There once was a time that I would’ve grabbed his face between my hands and kissed the frown he had away. Kissed the frustration right out of him.

  But those times are long gone. The reminder has me rubbing my face. Why the fuck is he still standing here?

  “Can I help you with something else? Or do you mind if I take a nap?” I ask him frustrated.

  Ronnie is sitting on the floor playing with Shawn. His favorite dinosaur is clutched in one hand, and the mega blocks are spread out in front of him.

  She has agreed to watch him so I can get some rest. I haven’t slept in almost two days. Fear of them getting Shawn has kept me up pacing and watching him.

  “I want to spend some time with my son,” he finally tells me.

  “I’ll bring Shawn out in a bit,” I tell him tiredly.

  “No, now,” he tells me firmly.

  “I’ve got this,” Ronnie tells me while climbing to her feet.

  “I don’t need a god damn babysitter,” he snarls.

  “Yeah, big guy, you do,” she tells him with a shrug as she pulls Shawn up off the floor.

  He looks at me with anger darkening his eyes to an almost black color. My heart lurches. Because under that anger I can see the hurt and pain.

  “I know you don’t need a babysitter Crow, but it will help Shawn grow accustomed to his new surroundings. This has been hard, to say the least, for the last few weeks,” I try to keep my tone gentle.

  I need him to understand what I am saying. I don’t want to hurt him, even though I have, and I keep doing it. God, why do I care so much?

  “Whose fault is that?” He asks me, his tone is harsh and biting.

  “Please, I haven’t slept in two days. I understand you want to kill me Crow and that you hate me. But, I need sleep, please,” I beg him.

  It hurts my pride to once again beg him for something. But after our talk in his office, I question who’s fault all this really is. Had I walked up to him and talked to him, would things be different now?

  God, the what ifs are tearing me apart. His eyes scan my face taking in the dark smudges under my eyes. I have stress lines around my mouth, and I expect him to continue to fight me. But instead, he gives in with a nod. A small truce for now, anyway. The bed is calling my name, and I don’t want to go to it.
Deep down I am terrified of what waits for me in the dark abyss.

  Crow reaches out for Shawn as Ronnie closes the space between them. Stepping back, I watch as she releases Shawn to his father.

  “It will be okay,” she whispers to me before turning to follow them out of the room.

  My question, the one I didn’t ask, is if it really was?

  Climbing onto the bed, I curl in on myself. My mind fighting with my body. Both knowing I need rest but not wanting to face what awaits me behind my closed eyes.

  I was back in this clubhouse two years ago. Back when I was looking for Crow, and a small amount of hope was in my chest, blossoming like a little flower.

  It was stolen from me by the man who had his hand in my hair. He started caressing the back of my head. I looked up at the man holding me. His cocky smile clawed at my insides, and it festered like an infected boil. “Crow? Don’t know anyone by that name,” he laughs.

  I wanted to kick him in the balls, he made my skin crawl.

  “You in need of a man babe? Come see daddy,” Lincoln tells me. Fuck! It was Lincoln, that son of a bitch.

  I needed to tell Crow. There was something about him that wasn’t right. Why would he lie?

  The dream changed pulling me deeper into sleep locking me in a new form of hell.

  They found me. Shawn was laying in his pack n play gurgling and cooing up at the ceiling unaware of the men pointing a gun at my head.

  “Don’t kill them,” a cold voice comes from somewhere in the house.

  “I have a buyer for them both,” the Albanian smiled as the man’s voice carried to me. Chills raced over my body. I failed. I couldn’t save us.

  I could see Ronnie’s feet out of the corner of my eye. She had fought them back trying to give me a chance to get Shawn, but another came from the kitchen blocking my exit.

  I heard the sound of the gun going off and hitting Ronnie. Her body fell to the floor and the thump it made haunted me. I stared into the cold dead eyes of the man who just killed her.

  “You think you could run? That we will not find you?” His laugh was rusty.

  “Please, don’t do this. I didn’t have anything to do with what Julie did. I swear,” I beg, my eyes pleading to let me save my son.